Three old ladies sit in a diner, discussing their health.
One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad?
The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!"
The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table.
Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Knock Knock! Who's there? Ken. Ken who? Ken I come in, it's freezing out here?
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man.
"You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping.
How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me,
so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly.
I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement,
but no one was hiding there, either.
I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either.
I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there,
I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kathy goes to her local bank, walks into the manager’s office, and says, “I want a loan; I am going to divorce my husband.”
“Oh, we don’t give loans for divorces,” the manager says. “We offer loans only for things like real estate, appliances, automobiles,
businesses, and home improvement.”
Kathy interrupts: “Stop right there.
This definitely falls into the category of ‘Home Improvement.’”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Only in America
Only in America......can a pizza get to your house
faster than an ambulance.
Only in America......are there handicap parking places
in front of our skating rinks.
Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions,
while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway
and put our useless junk in the garage.
And lastly
Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
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